About a decade ago, I stepped into the very odd and interesting world of polyamory. I was asked by a prior partner… “Will I be the only one?” This opened the possibility of a whole new world for me. It was never something I had considered – no, it was never something I actually understood was possible. My response in the moment was that I wanted to leave that open for the time being, and see. Shortly after that, I met someone else (who is now my wife), and I have never looked back since.
There were a number of things I was not prepared for. Situations and complexities I could not have even imagined, as well as pleasures that surpassed my imagination. Tonight, I wanted to share some of my own perspective on what to consider when you’re thinking about polyamory.
Please understand that this is not intended to be a “how to” or “what you should / should not do” type of writing. Instead, I just want to share some of what I have experienced, and the perspectives of that… and maybe it will help someone else as they are considering poly, or even someone who’s been at it for a bit. Hell, I may find some great feedback and ideas in the comments, so if you’ve got some stuff to add once you’re done… please do.
Poly Isn’t Easy
Now, had you asked me early on, I might have told you differently. My partner at the time was pretty damn natural at this, and even where she had insecurities, we talked about them and she chose to simply trust me with it. When I met my wife, it was an instant chemistry, and it really didn’t take long for her to fit right in. Sure, she had some concerns and a bit of trepidation based on a poly experience gone bad… but she also wasn’t looking to get too deep in a relationship at the time, so that allowed her to kinda ease into things. (Ironic how some things just turn out, huh?)
So my first go with poly was actually pretty easy in the beginning. Sure, there were relationship challenges… but with both partners getting along so very well, the little triad we developed was quite simply put… amazing. Others envied what we had. Some wanted to be a part of it. Hell, we even taught a class on it (and I can laugh at that now!) But all in all, it was an extremely easy success.
But that was such a rarity.
I began to learn later just how rare it actually was, as future relationships just didn’t fit the same. In the first year after my prior partner moved on, I was a mess. I tried, but failed miserably at dating, because I was not yet ready to do so. I was still grieving that loss, and had never been in that situation before – grieving the loss of a deep relationship while simultaneously sustaining another. Once I was ready, the misses just kept coming.
There were a few connections that seem to stick for a bit, and they were special in many ways. But all in all, finding a connection that fit just right… that was fucking hard.
No, poly ain’t easy. The dating pool to start with is already smaller than normal, as not everyone is open to all that openness. And we all know that dating, in and of itself, is a bit of a cluster fuck no matter your relationship status. Finding those connections, especially the ones that fit in your life… not so easy to come by.
Grieving is Odd
This one no one warned me about. While grieving the loss of one relationship, I was still actively building and sustaining one with my wife. And holy hell, she was simply amazing through it all. She was there by my side, holding me as I cried, reminding me that I was and would be ok… while simply loving me in the process.
I remember this feeling of overwhelming guilt. Here is this amazing woman that is standing right here beside me, showing me all the fucking love in the world, and yet I am over here grieving the loss of someone else. I felt so selfish and so very guilty. It was this really, really odd mix of emotions that I honestly can not completely describe.
Roughly a decade into this… my wife is still right there when I grieve the loss of a special relationship. By now, I have learned how to process it better, which allows me to still be present in any other relationship I am in. To be fair, that was a learned “skill” for sure. Even now, as I mourn the most recent ending of a relationship, I can still engage with my wife in our relationship, continue to explore another connection that has been developing, while still engaging elsewhere when the energy feels right.
Perhaps I’ve gotten better at compartmentalizing to a degree, which is honestly saying something! I wear my heart on my sleeve at all times, so to be able to compartmentalize emotionally in any way at all feels like a bit of growth for me. I am indeed still grieving, but I am not allowing that process to derail other connections – that would be unfair to anyone else in my life.
If you’ve not experienced this yet, gird your fucking loins. This may well knock you sideways! But, I will tell you that you can survive it, and learn to manage it with time.
Flirting is Fun, But Be Careful
Most people would not believe this, but I used to be that great big “flower on the wall”. I never felt comfortable around others, especially strangers. Hell, I can still feel that wallflower pull at times when I don’t know anyone in a space. But I have grown more comfortable and confident with myself and my abilities to engage with others. The ability to flirt came alive, and it eventually became a natural aspect of who I am.
Today, flirting… well, I’m pretty damn good at it. I would’t call myself an expert in the art of flirting, but I can be charming and engaging… And I feel confident doing it. It makes me feel good, and it generally makes others feel good – so long as you aren’t being creepy with it. Getting past that “creepy” feeling takes time, as a new flirt is usually a very award flirt… and awkward flirting can have strange vibes, so be patient with yourself if you’re not quite used to flirting.
But you also need to be careful. It took me a while to learn how to flirt with someone as a potential friend, vs someone as a potential interest. (Yes, I know, friends first is the ideal… not the point.) I have sent mixed signals by mistake, absolutely unintentionally… and yeah, that’s hurt a couple people along the way. That hurting others part really does kinda suck. So, try to be careful with your flirting – it can get you into a world of fun, or a world of headache.
Be Open, But Don’t Take On Too Much
Without intention, I found myself getting into two new relationships at roughly the same time. Trust me when I say that’s a bit to juggle. Not that it can’t be done, and had I better experience in such a thing, maybe the end result would have been better. And I am not saying not to do such a thing… but do know your own limits. If the prospect of managing multiple connections beginning around the same time seems daunting… maybe slow down. If one of those connections is not around later, chances are they might not be even if you jump in right away. (Purely a thought, and not an implication.)
Its ok to pace yourself, and to set the pace that works for you.
Learning to Simply Enjoy
This one took me far too long to learn, but one of the most wonderful aspects of poly is the ability to connect with a range of people without having to target something specifically. In the beginning, I was focused… Had to be a specific type of dynamic. I didn’t leave any real room for anything else, and that certainly lead to some awful situations, including unintended pressure and expectations.
But learning to simply enjoy the connections you make, without expectations or end games… It’s absolutely worthwhile. I am still very much in that part now of my own journey, but the openness it allows, and the connections that are actually possible, well… it’s a really good thing.
I’ve had to learn that not every connection will be something, and that oks. Not every connection will last forever, and that’s ok too. I recently read a post suggesting that we should rename “one night stands” to “4 hour relationships.” I actually kinda like the idea behind that. While I don’t consider myself a “hookup artist” by any means, taking away the stigma of a connection that may well be a very short lived connection allows a bit of a freedom to truly enjoy the connection you find… even if it is only 4 hours. This is something I am trying to better understand for myself.
Allow Yourself to Feel
Emotions can certainly be in play with it comes to non-monogamy. Part of the appeal of polyamory is that you can allow for emotional connections as you go, and not have to rely on just one person for all your emotional needs.
Some people will see this as a mathematical thing, mostly in terms of addition or subtraction. Add another partner, and you add to the emotions – while some fear you will actually subtract from what emotions you have available. For me, I see this as multiplication… more specifically, amplification. Your emotions are allowed to flex out bigger and stronger with more connections.
There will be times where your heart is truly overflowing, and those times will often take you by surprise. (Conversely, as noted before, there will be times where your heart is hemorrhaging as well, especially if you find yourself with lost connections around the same time.)
Learn What Fits
Not every connection you find, feel and explore will actually be a fit. Actually, when it comes to the longer term and even deeper connections, most won’t be a real fit. A fit has to be able to blend in with your life, which includes time, emotional equity, managing expectations, dealing with situations, etc. They truly have to be able to fit into your life, and not because you force it to happen.
A friend expressed it best in this way:
One of the things I found over the years is that it is oddly simplistic…. when it works it obviously works. Natural as breathing. And when it doesn’t work it also obviously doesn’t work…. But we just take a lot longer to accept the fact.
Don’t be afraid to admit when it doesn’t fit. Yes, you will hate having to end something… and it may actually hurt like hell. You may be afraid of breaking their heart, or fallout from others around you… so many reasons to keep trying – but the reality is, if the connection is causing more hurt and conflict than it’s adding joy and peace, you may be doing each other more harm than good. Sometimes, you have to be willing to let them go, and maybe not take too long to accept that fact.
Know that you, and your partners, will grow and evolve
No one has this fully figured out. Remember, these are human connections, and there is one consistent thing with all humans… we all continue to change. What we want, like, accept, believe, dislike and so much more will evolve throughout our lives. You have to give each other room to allow for that growth and evolution, both for yourself and for your partners.
That means being flexible, and never thinking you’ve arrived. Once you think you’ve got this stuff down pat, something is going to stir the pot up on you. But that’s also part of the magic, if that makes sense.
Not For the Weak of Heart
Look, for me… polyamory is where it’s at. It is how my heart works, it is how I connect. I didn’t know that was the case until I became exposed to the possibility of it, but it answered so many questions for me that existed my entire life. So, I view polyamory as this amazing thing, even with all the bumps along the way.
Even still, I know it’s not for everyone. And that’s not just ok, it’s absolutely valid! Polyamory is not something that’s more elevated, better than or any other comparative expression people may use to dismiss monogamy in lieu of polyamory.
No matter the relationship style, or number of partners… Relationships in general are not for the faint of heart, period. Polyamory just multiplies things, including the stress if it’s not for you. So, if you give it a try and you realize that it’s definitely not your relationship style, that’s ok.
If you decide it’s not for you because of jealousy, selfishness, neediness, or any other negative emotional issue – I would highly advise learning to how work through those issues before fully determining your fit with poly, because honestly… those traits will mess up a really good monogamous relationship too.
Just sayin’
There you go… just a bit of perspective from a guy that’s been doing this for a bit, still learning and growing, and who has probably screwed up more than he’s succeeded. Good luck to you, regardless of your relationship styles, and may you find the fit(s) that amplify your life and make your heart overflow.
So, what’s your thoughts? Any experiences or perspectives you want to add? Drop them in the comments!
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