When we are in a relationship, it’s important for us to keep our eyes open to what’s going on. It’s natural, it’s protective. After all, we’re being vulnerable with someone else, so we need to know that we can continue to trust them along the way.
That said… Score Cards are a dangerous thing.
Score Cards can be used a couple different ways, both that can kill the vulnerability.
Tit for Tat
“Tits and Tats” are usually something I am all for… but not in this context. Score keeping that comes from the perspective of “you owe me because I did” or “if you want this, you need to do that” has the power to move a relationship into a transactional aspect.
For some people, transactional works. For me… no thank you. I just can’t. So if we’re doing a tit for tat type of thing, I am gonna check out pretty quickly.
I want to be free in my vulnerability, and not feel as if what I have done or what someone has done brings some level of obligation. The ability to abuse this is far too great! “Hey… I let you go out last week, so now you owe me XYZ” – especially if XYZ was never agreed to and maybe even a hard limit.
Tracking Offenses
This one is especially hard. We are all going to make mistakes in a relationship. Hell, often in the beginning, you spend a lot of time trying to bridge the gap of the two different relationship languages you speak so you find one that is common between you. During that time, misunderstandings and missed expectations are going to happen.
If you are tracking every offense that happens so that you can later bring it up again… you may find yourself cutting down the growth of the relationship as a result. This happens more often than not so justify your own behavior issues… For example, “yeah, but you did this and that and this and that – so what I did isn’t so bad!”
Yeah, that’s really not a healthy way to live!
Keeping Eyes Open
Look, I am not suggesting we should turn a blind eye within our relationships. If there is an issue, it should be addressed. That’s how you deal with healthy relationships… you work together to fix shit when it happens, and it will happen.
What you keeping your eye open for is a significant pattern of behavior. I’m not talking about the pattern that we often go through together in relationships, such as hyper focused on making time but then both letting life get in the way again… those things are cyclical and are going to happen to some degree.
But if you have a partner that can’t be truthful, no matter how many times they’ve apologized… there may be a problem. If you have a partner that continues to give you the silent treatment every time they get a little upset, even though you’ve talked about it and agreed not to treat each other that way… there may be a problem.
While those are just a couple examples, we each have those items that can (and should) be deal breakers. It’s not a matter of keeping score, but when someone begins to show you a pattern that will not change, you have to accept them for exactly who they are. If they are to change, it has to be from their end, and not because you have begged, pleaded or threatened them… They have to desire that change.
And if that change isn’t happening, it may be time to make decisions. Do you stay, or do you go now? (You’re welcome for the ear worm!)
Only you can make that choice. Only you know if you can accept this part about them, or if it’s just more than you can stomach. It’s not about a power play, but about what works for you as an individual and for you collectively in the relationship.
We don’t have to manipulate each other or try to play games as if we’re politicians. We should be working together to strengthen our relationships – hell, we have all the constructs available to us for that.
So save the games for the kiddos, and stop keeping score. Yes, keep your eyes open and be real when there’s an issue. Learn what you can and can not accept in a relationship, and make adjustments accordingly. But let’s do this as adults in an adult relationship.
I’ve personally been on both sides of this equation, and I can tell you the math works so much better without the scores!
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