I’ve debated posting this for some time now, as it’s quite vulnerable and there’s a huge potential for judgement from others. Yet, I know I am not alone in this, so maybe in posting this it will help others who struggle the same not feel so alone or broken.
So, read on. But save your judgement for someone who cares to hear it. Because I am far beyond worrying about that these days.
I am learning to love my body and accept all aspects of who I am. Part of that is accepting the limitations my own body has, coming to terms with what that means, and how to still find the most fulfillment for both myself and in giving to a partner.
The area I struggle with so much is with my own erections.
I posted some time ago about my own struggles with ED. Getting off a lot of medication and losing weight has truly helped that in a lot of ways. I don’t struggle nearly as much with that as I once did, and for that, I can’t even express my own gratitude.
Yet, when it comes to physical intimacy… I can have a raging hard on and be all in the moment… but the moment I put on a fucking condom, my body physically refuses to cooperate.
I know a lot of guys complain that they don’t like condoms. I totally get it. But for me, it’s not even about a dislike. It becomes a dysfunction. 90% of the time, once a condom goes on… my erection just checks out.
I can not express the frustration that has caused over the years. Extreme frustration, honestly.
I am well aware of the need for safe sex protocols. Until recently, I was also quite concerned about the potential for pregnancy, as I have no desire to father any more children. So, given these concerns, I continued to endure the pressure (and often humiliation) of condom use as a preventative measure.
Ultimately, this became a major problem, for me more than anything. While I might not always maintain an erection, I know there’s a lot of ways to please a partner and have never had a problem with “diving in” to do that. But my own self pleasure was becoming less and less.
A shift in perspective definitely helped. Instead of being so focused on “getting off,” my focus became more about just enjoying the moment. Part of that was due to the ED issues and part due to the physical rejection of a condom. This has actually resulted in making me a much better lover in many ways, surprisingly!
This has also led to me doing more research and learning. It has forced me to let go of so many fears I had based on the experiences growing up in an era that convinced everyone that if you had sex, you were likely to get AIDS and die.
The reality today is that even HIV is highly treatable. Most STIs today are extremely treatable, either to cure or maintain to the point of not even detectable. Using common sense is even more powerful today than ever as a form of protection and prevention.
That doesn’t mean I’m off fucking everything I can without protection. Actually, that’s not even close to the case.
With my partners, I am honest about where I am and we make the best decision together as to how we will address this. With pregnancy out of the equation now, it’s comes down to STI risk profiles and being responsible overall.
With a stranger, a random hookup, etc… I will still use a condom. That may not go well for that experience, but if it’s truly more of a one time thing…. Who cares? Besides, that is rare for me in many ways.
But with a potential partner, there’s a conversation to be had. They need to know what I struggle with, how my body reacts and whether they want to deal with that or go sans “protection” with me.
There are a few things I have learned in all of this…
The human body is weird, but we can still enjoy the moment even if not everything is working as hoped for
Protection is not simply a thin layer of latex. It is open communication, good decisions, understanding risks and being transparent- and a thin layer of latex when it is most appropriate
I can still be a fantastic lover even if my body isn’t fully cooperating. Sex is a physical act, but the brain is the most sexual organ we have. So I can get in the moment and still make it an awesome experience for everyone involved
Orgasms are nice, but not the end all be all to sex. Especially within a relationship, the physical closeness and intimacy of the moment can be powerful as hell even if the orgasm isn’t always the most powerful (or present)
So why am I sharing this?
Because I know I’m not alone, and I know the toll this took on my own self confidence, self love and the ability to allow myself to engage with others. I want others who struggle in this way to know that it’s not at all the end of that energy in your life! You don’t have to be done.
I will still enjoy as much of the physical as I can, and continue to learn the best ways to engage that bring both myself and the person I am with the most pleasure possible.
And… in posting this, I am also freeing myself even more from the captive restraints of shame and self loathing. I am human, and that means imperfect. And I will continue to embrace all aspects of that as I continue to go about my journey, for as long as I can take another breath.
Got judgment? Don’t care. Think I’m not “man enough?” Don’t engage in that way with me then… but you’re missing out.
The shape, size and functionality of my penis has nothing to do with being manly enough. And it’s that very powerful mindset that I have been forced to accept that has helped to begin to free me of so much toxicity. Ultimately, I am not mad at that one fucking bit.
This may well impact the potential for other relationships. I totally get that, and I am ok with that, truthfully. I would much rather have this out there for someone who would choose not to engage as a result to know before they even begin. Save us both that awkwardness?
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