“Any books you would recommend on helping someone find their inner confidence and not care about what the opinions of others?”
That was the question asked…. and I do truly hate to admit this, but I am not a huge reader. I don’t tend to jump into many books, mainly because of time – but also, the undiagnosed ADHD just simply gets in the way. I often do better with video formats, or smaller digestible chunks of text. And yes, I know the irony at play for someone who does enjoy writing, but hey… it is what it is. So unfortunately, I can not offer any books to help in this.
BUT, I can offer some advice… and that advice will be in written form here in this writing, so perhaps it can still be of some benefit for you.
There are 3 points I that believe lead to self confidence….
Confidence is Born of Success
Success is Born of Failure
Failure is Born of Repetition
Let’s take this in reverse order…
Repetition
The only way to get good at something is to be repetitive at it. Whether that’s engaging in social aspects of life or learning to ride a bike, rarely do these skills come to us the very first time we do it. For 99% of us, we have to get started and keep trying.
That said, its important that we have good direction, instruction and a fundamental understanding of what we are trying to do. Sure, you can fumble about until you figure it out the hard way, but if there are tools at your disposal to learn from, use them! Repeating things in the wrong way will only make the process so much longer.
So find the resources available and soak up as much as you can. But don’t stop there, because you have to put that knowledge into some sort of action. That’s the start of the repetition.
Failure
When you get started, you are going to fail. Again, unless you are the 1% that just gets it the first time, there is really no way around this. You’re gonna not get things right, and your probably not going to get things right quite a bit in the beginning.
That’s ok though… because failure is an opportunity to learn more, if you allow it to be. You have to choose that though, because for so many of us, the default is to just give up and walk away when we fail. If that is what you choose to do, you will never have a break though… you will never find any level of success.
Success
After some time of failure, you’re going to find some success. It’s unlikely that it will be the ultimate success immediately, but you will indeed find little victories along the way.
If you’re learning to ride a bike, going to the end of the block without falling over can indeed be a success! It may not mean that you are a proficient rider just yet, but hey… you didn’t fall! And that means that YOU CAN DO THIS! You just need to keep up with the repetition and potential failures to keep getting better at what it is you are doing!
Confidence
Confidence is earned when you begin stringing those successes together.
You made it to the end of the street without falling and even stopped smoothly! YAY! Now, lets turn the curve. Oh, look… you did that too!
The more you do something, the more you fail at something, the more you find those victories… the more your confidence will grow! One day you will look up and realize that you aren’t even thinking about it any more!
Applying This
The question was about finding the personal confidence to not care what others think. So, let’s apply this here…
First, the knowledge is understanding who you are. The goal is to become the person you want to be. Maybe that’s confidence in social aspects, maybe in dating, maybe in work… regardless, you need to assess your current skill level, figure out what skills you want to learn, and then fucking get started.
This is where the repetition comes in. Socially awkward? Ok… go talk to someone. Doesn’t have to be everyone, but start somewhere.
Failure is going to happen here because you don’t yet have the skills. So conversation may be weird and strange, and you may not know what to say. But hey… you talked to someone… and that means YOU CAN DO THIS!
After a few tries, you will find things you can talk about… and that starts to build those small successes. Now you’re not only talking to someone, but actually holding a decent conversation for a few minutes! Go you!
Keep doing this, letting each success fuel you to go further in your efforts. Keep trying, keep failing and keep learning to succeed.
Before long, you will be able to walk into any room, start up a conversation with a random stranger and keep it going. From there you can learn how to leverage charm and other skills to really kick things up!
Once you’ve gained enough confidence in what you are doing, you’re no longer going to care about what others think. Its the added bonus of doing the work… and it’s powerful as hell!
Practical Advice
You may think this is a joke, but open up YouTube and look up dating coaches and how they approach women on the street. Yes, you’re probably gonna have to get past some of the cringe, and yes… there in plenty of cringe involved… but pay attention to what is happening. These guys are learning how to approach a random women on the street, start a conversation and even get a phone number to set up a date for later. Most of them have absolutely no game whatsoever… but through repetition, failing often and finding small successes, their confidence begins to grow. After a while, they get enough confidence built up that they can actually stop a woman they think is out of their league and still get the damn number!
If you’re not up for that type of “entertainment”, I get that. But the practical advice is still the same.
Other Resources
Books and Videos… I’m sure there are plenty of books available out there, and a Google search will probably give you some to start with… YouTube has lots of videos on the topic as well.
Consider personal coaching… seriously, that can be a solid option for a lot of people. A coach can give you feedback, advice and tips that you can put into practice. They can also help you see successes you may otherwise miss, helping to find the successes sooner than later. And they can help keep you accountable to the process.
Friends can also be a great resource… kinda along the coaching line. The biggest challenge with friends is that most will not want to give you the honest feedback to push you further, so do keep that in mind. They may be much “softer and kinder” than a coach would be, but they can also help soften some of the failures (as long as they are not giving you excuses to stop you.)
Finally, the end result is truly going to be up to you. Books, videos, friends and coaching can not overcome a lack of desire and will on your part to find the successes. You have to be willing to do the repetition, willing to fail and learn how to succeed. If you do not have the courage to do that, nothing external will get you there.
You got this… no go do this!
It should be noted that I do offer Coaching through Ascendian Coaching. If you are struggling with self confidence and would like to work with someone who knows first hand what that’s like – to help you overcome this for yourself as well – be sure to visit AscendianCoaching.com and let’s chat.
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