Which one are you feeling?
Comparison or Compersion?
You see, this is important to recognize if you’re in a relationship – and it’s NOT limited to poly! You can find yourself fighting these same feelings whether your poly or monogamous… if you can be honest with yourself.
When you see your partner and the other connections in their life, how do you see them?
Comparison
Do you look at those connections and compare yourself? Do you see your partner doing this or that with someone else and constantly wonder shy it’s not you? Do you look at the experiences they have and feel like you’ve been left out? Do you see the different people they are drawn to and start to draw comparisons?
If you are viewing your relationship in this way, you are stuck in comparison mode. You’re looking at it from a position of loss… you aren’t the core part of everything, so are you even worth anything?
Here’s the challenge though… can you be a part of everything?
Even if you’re monogamous with your partner, they will have family, friends, co-workers and other people in their lives. They will have good and bad experiences with each and every one of them, and those experiences may or may not include you. It’s important to recognize that this is normal, natural and needed!
You see, you yourself were at one time an individual human being. You had your likes, dislikes, friends, family and all the rest – YOU STILL DO. You should still be able to engage with others to enjoy a fulfilling and complete life – and your partner(s) should have that same freedom.
Compersion
This is where you begin to find joy in the enjoyment of your partner’s life – even if it doesn’t include you directly. You may still get to share in the joy, even if it is indirectly, through stories and moments that are shared.
It’s ok to allow them to feel the joys that life bring, without drawing the comparisons for yourself. They need that, just as much as you do. (If you’re sitting there saying “I don’t need any of that – why should they?” – well, you may have forgotten what it’s like to be your own person!)
Compersion isn’t some mythical or imaginary sense of loving that your partner is over there fucking someone else. I know… that’s how it’s seemingly portrayed in the poly lifestyle, and often it’s at such a high minded level that it feels unattainable.
Instead, reframe compersion a bit. It’s simply taking joy (may not be the deepest joy ever) in the happiness and fulfillment of your partner – happy that they are finding joy and happiness in life. That could be with another partner, yes… but it can also be with friends and family too.
As humans, we often let sex get in the way of so much. It can mess up friendships, complicate relationships and even help set out own personal value. But sex is simply another physical expression that we can use in so many ways as part of our own fulfillment. If you’re in a poly situation, don’t overly stress about the sexual interactions your partner may be having – or the emotional connections they may have. Focus on the interactions you are having with your partner – work on those, between the two of you.
As for the rest, if it’s making them happy as a human, allow that to make you happy as well. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else as part of that, and don’t get stuck in the mindset that you have to be a part of everything… it’s literally impossible for that to be the case!
Find Your Own Peace
The more you compare, the less you will ever find any sense of compersion. And perhaps compersion isn’t even your goal… I get that. But what if you worried less about getting to compersion, and just focused on what you are building together with your partner – and learning to find joy in their joys?
What difference could that make for you? What mindshift would that make for you? What kind of happiness would you be able to actually find for yourself at the same time?
Look, emotions can be challenging. Jealousy is a normal and natural thing… it happens. Even in monogamy, jealousy will happen.
What I have learned about jealousy is that it’s normally a sign that something is off within ourselves. We feel like something is missing, and we want what someone may have. So take a moment to identify what that source is, and then have an open conversation with your partner about it. Keep that focus on what you need, and less on what they’re doing… you may find a wonderful conversation that helps to find solutions rather than a fight that comes from feeling attacked.
Live in Love
No matter where you are, or the relationship style you have – try to come from the perspective of loving your partner and wanting them to be happy and fulfilled in life. As long as they aren’t just leaving you behind in their journey, you get the opportunity to share in so much with them, even if it’s indirectly.
If you feel like you’re being left behind… say something. It’s ok to do that… it’s needed, actually. Because as happy as you want to be for them, that has to go both ways. You too need to feel loved and appreciated, so don’t be afraid to speak up when needed.
But in all you do, in everything you do together, keep this one thought in mind… approach it with the “live in love” mindset. If you make it about being enemies, then enemies you will become. But if you approach it as lovers, working together… you’ll be amazed at what you can overcome.
Best to you as you work through this… and remember, all of this is a journey. One step and one day at a time…
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