When Is “Trauma Dumping” or Oversharing Actually “Too Much?”

Being reassured that we’re not “too much” is nice – but let’s be real. If we’re trauma dumping or oversharing – When are we actually too much?

This was a fantastic question that came up, and I wanted to bring together a few thoughts on this. This question (summarized) is posted here with permission.

Trauma Dumping / Oversharing / Imposing One’s Problems

For this part, I’m going to stick with the phrase “Trauma Dumping” because I think it’s really the most relevant to my thoughts. But understand that this would relate to “oversharing” and “imposing our problems” as well.

First – what is the trauma we’re dumping? How intense is it? What kind of weight does it hold?

If what’s at play is something like an assault, domestic violence, abuse, PTSD, suicidal thoughts and the like – these are quite heavy and can have significant mental and emotional impact on us.

For these areas, I will always recommend getting professional help from a therapist or psychologist. These trained and licensed professionals know how to identify the issues at play and can provide very specific resources to help you heal and move forward. They can also help identify and diagnose specific conditions that may be at play, such as anxiety, depression, etc. – and with the help of a psychiatrist or medical doctor, can get connected with any medication that could be useful. So, when it comes to these areas – absolutely seek professional medical / mental help.

If the trauma is not that severe – even if it sometimes feels quite heavy – you still have other options to explore.

Sharing your trauma / issues / emotions / thoughts / etc is NOT too much. It’s actually something we all need at some point. It’s only “dumping” when you’re dropping it on someone who isn’t open to or can’t support the weight of the issue. For example, if you drop a social media DM on someone you know is in the professional realm, but they’ve not agreed to engage in this way – that can absolutely feel like dumping to them. If you’re talking to a friend, and they aren’t prepared for – or they feel the weight of the issue is too heavy- then this would likely fit as well.

But sharing what you’re dealing with, in a way that the other person can and is willing to accept – that’s not dumping at all.

Outlets

So that brings us to the available outlets…

We’ve already touched on therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists – they are there for the really heavy stuff. If that’s what you’re dealing with – seek that help please.

Beyond that, when it’s not quite that heavy…

Partners

If you have a partner, this could well be a great space to lean in on. They very likely have your best interests at heart and really want to be there for you. This might well be the first place to check in on, as the emotional bonds here can often support quite a lot!

But check in with them about it… make sure they are able to hold that space and support the weight of whatever it is you’re carrying. While we can generally have the absolute best intentions in supporting our partners in these ways, if we are not truly able to do so, it can cause more strain on the relationship than it should – and that can only add to the weight you’re already feeling.

If they consent and are able to support you – that’s awesome. If they aren’t – or find a limit – avoid placing blame, and try not to feel as if they don’t care. The honest truth is that if we take on more than we really can for our partners, we can actually do them more of an injustice than being honest and letting them get the support they need – and deserve.

Friends / Family

Friends and family can be great support in these areas… In most cases, they will be supportive and open, can listen and give space, and provide feedback or ideas. Their desire to be there for you can make them almost an immediate resource as they will often make time for you when you really need it. And, they know you, which can be quite comforting.

At the same time… family and friends can also be the worst. If you have a bad family dynamic, this may not be the best area to go. Beyond that, because of the connection, they may have a tough time holding the space or the emotional weight of the issue. They may give you feedback – but it may not always be the best feedback. Most likely their feedback would be with good intention, but it can also be hedged a bit for fear that it could cause a rift in the relationship. And let’s be honest… sometimes, because they know you so well, you might not be quite as open to hearing real feedback from them.

The important thing here is to be real about what your family and friends can offer, and approach them to see if they can hold that space. This allows them to be prepared and engaged so that they never feel like it’s too much. And if it ever does feel too heavy for them, you need to trust that they will tell you – and not just begin to avoid you.

Counseling

If family and friends are not the right option for you, then you can look into counseling and coaching.

Depending on where you are, counselors may be licensed just like therapists are, but often aren’t trained in the same ways. Many religious organizations can offer counseling, so if you belong to a church, this may be something to explore. There are group counseling options for a lot of areas too, so this may be a resource for you.

Coaching

Coaches are slightly different. They are not substitutes for mental health professionals, so again, if what you’re carrying is clinical in nature, coaching may not be appropriate unless the coach is also licensed in that field. A good life coach will quickly let you know if what you’re carrying is too heavy – needing the medical level of help.

Coaching certifications vary widely – some are robust and intensive, others are not. Certified or not, what matters most is whether the coach can hold space for you skillfully, ethically, and within their professional scope. A coach’s focus is generally less on past traumas to overcome, and more on present issues to work through to move you forward. Talk to a few to find the connection that feels right, and that fits within what you can afford.

I’m sure the comments section will offer even more possible ideas, so I would definitely pay attention to what’s shared there.

What If…

What if you need the professional help… but can’t get it?
I bring this up because I know first hand that the professional mental health field is usually quite booked. It can be very hard to get in to see someone, and then you may still be fighting insurance to get it booked. So what happens when you just can’t get seen?

If you’re having thoughts of self-harm, suicide, or you’re experiencing a mental health crisis… please reach out to a crisis hotline or go to your local ER. These situations need immediate, professional care.

If you can’t get in to see one of these professionals, and the weight is too much for family and friends… well, you may still be able to work with a coach that is trained more specifically – or has very similar experiences themselves. But be honest with them about what your issues are so they can determine if they can help – if not, they may actually have a connection that can.

You’re Not Too Much

I know it can feel like it, but carrying the weight of life is not too much. We all deal with that. Some deal with it harsher than others, and some are more capable of helping than others. But having that weight and needing that outlet – that’s quite human. And with the right support, it won’t be too much.

Look for those who can, and are able to, help. Dumping is a thing… but only when it’s dumped on someone that’s not willing or able.

If I can be of any help, send me a message and let’s chat.